Gah, I hate the new [although, it's not really new] changes in Blogger. It seriously took me way too long to sign in, because I forgot my stupid Google account name. Gah.


Ok, so basically. I think that I've subconsciously missed blogging, even though I still don't have time for it. But recently I've been feeling so distracted and unfocused and whatnot. It's not even funny. Like, I'm still up to my old tricks of procrastinating. I should be doing this incredibly lame busy work for Chemistry right now. But seriously, I couldn't care less about ethanol at the moment.

Yeah. I have nine days of school left, which is so awesome and yet torturous at the same time. It's amazing how it works out like that.

I've actually been doing stuff. I know! A concept. But seriously, I was in this writing program for like a month and a half and it ended a few weeks ago. I've been writing more seriously lately, which is really cool, I actually enjoy it a lot. In fact, I would so rather be writing my English final than working on random stuff for other classes. It's so cool that I actually don't have a test for my English final. We are going through creative writing right now, so I'm pretty psyched. Yep. Anyway, that was a tangent. This writing program I was in was actually to write a short story that's going to be in a book in a few months, which is totally exciting. Yay for being a published author!

Yeah, that was cool. Definitely. But as of right now, I'm not feeling so hot, with the whole lame homework situation. You know how it is. Blehhh.

I'm also slightly tired, since it's like, ten at night. I know, I know, as a teen, it should be my duty to stay up until one in the morning and chat with my friends online and party there's no tomorrow. Psh, as if. I definitely have the lack of sleep thing down, since last week I had to write this essay about the Cold War. Yeah, that was definitely the highlight of my week, with the two hours of sleep and whatnot. Yeah. No sarcasm. None. At. All.

Yeah. Another problem as of now is that I am feeling very, very lonely. Gahh, I hate to be an attention hog, but still. It's the weekend and I didn't talk to any of my friends. Today I actually went to church, which sounds weird, because I've gone to church like every week since I was born. But recently I haven't been going very much, which, as I said before, is weird. Last week I was on a band trip. And the week before that I was doing Relay for Life [which was intensely fun, by the way]. And yeah. It just goes on and on. And even when I have been at church, I haven't gone to youth group for like, two months. Muy strange. But to be completely honest, I've never felt a real connection between myself and most of the people at youth group. Like, I definitely have people that I like there, but we're not like, best friends or anything. It's always been a weird situation. I think it kind of bugs my dad too, because he used to always wonder why I didn't want to go. It's not because I don't love God or anything, because I do. And fellowship with people is cool, I'm not completely antisocial [completely being the main word?]. But it's just always been an awkward situation there. I don't know. And now, some of the people that I used to like are changing, which doesn't help. Like, there's this kid named Eli, and he used to be incredibly sweet and whatnot, and now it just seems like he's changed into this "I'm going to be like everyone else and follow them" clone. I don't know, I'm probably reading into this way too much, as I normally do, but you get the picture I guess. Unless you don't, because you are totally confused. But yeah.

Anyway. I'm just going to skip around topics randomly because I feel like it, and really, no one reads this and therefore they don't care. I was thinking about what I was going to write for my English final. Ms. Steele [My English teacher] read my short story for the writing program and pretty much fell over herself telling me how wonderful and thought out it was. I'll admit that I was flattered, because really, anyone would be. Not to mention that Steele is probably my favorite English teacher ever, no joke. She's pretty young too, only 25. She feels more like a sister or a friend than a teacher, which is cool. Yeah, but anyway. Since she's already seen my writing, I can't really just turn in a second rate job. Not that I would want to anyway. I mean, every opportunity to write, I'm going to use to its full extent and give it everything I've got. But it's still going to be hard, because she is going to have high expectations for me. That's the way it always is though. The people who prove that they are capable always are given more work and responsibility. Yeah. But back to the point. I was thinking about what I was going to write for my English final, and I think I'm going to do a short story about a girl who is suicidal. I know, it's an extremely tough subject. But for some reason, I feel like I can pull it off realistically. I hope that you don't think of me as odd or depressed, because clearly, I'm not. It's just that I have always found humans and their emotions incredibly interesting. I can honestly say that I would never even consider committing suicide, because I am not hopeless. Quite to the contrary. But as an author, I like getting inside of my characters' skin and feeling their world. I could just as easily write a story about typical teenage stuff like boy/girl relationships, but then I would be a normal writer. I mean, seriously, who can't write about that? Everyone with a pulse has a desire to have romantic relationships, our culture seems to be quite obsessed with it. People can write about them realistically, and I applaud them. Then there are the ones who write utter nonsense, you know what I'm talking about. I've read these books and been like, "Never. Never in a million years would any boy say that." I mean, really. But anyway. Anyone can write about that, but not everyone can write about something like suicide.

When I write, I characterize. I love good dialogue. I love getting to know each character like they were a real and breathing person. I also love imagery and metaphors. Spelling, however, is clearly not one of my strong suites. Thank God for spell check. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

I'm not quite sure if I've mentioned this yet, but one of my new year's resolutions is to write a book. I've tried NaNoWriMo like, two times, but since it's in November, which is always a busy month for me, I never even get close to finishing. Actually, if I was to be completely honest, I don't think I've actually finished a chapter. Gah, how lame. But I'm honestly very worried. What if I simply cannot be a novelist? I am getting very good at short stories, considering that I haven't been writing for very long. I think it's only been about a year and a half. But yeah. I'm worried that I have gotten so used to writing ten pages max, that I will never be able to hold my reader's attention for a full 100-200 page book. And to write that! Oh my gosh. I love writing so much, but I'll be the first to say that it is indeed work. Luckily, I'm a good self editor. But still.

Gah. Have I mentioned that I feel lonely? Yes, yes I have. But can I be annoying and needy and pathetic for a few seconds? I heard this song on the radio today, and one of the lines was "We all need to be needed". Now, I usually don't like music from this artist, but those words feel so incredibly insightful. At least I know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. But seriously. I need attention. I'm worried that I'm starting to become dependant on it, no joke. I'm probably being a drama queen and stuff and am not even that bad considering a lot of messed up people out there. I'm fine on my own, unless there is someone with me. That might not make sense. I'm not really afraid of silence, per se, but I'd rather be in conversation, and not an awkward one. When I was in middle school, I was pretty quiet. But it seems like since I got into high school I've been opening up and expressing my opinions more. I'm afraid that I won't be able to close down again. I mean, sometimes I just talk and ramble and say stuff that really is just words and has no meaning and doesn't matter and it can be really stupid. [That's pretty much the sentence that defines my blogging, but it's different with blogging, you know? No one is really reading this, and if they are, then they chose to.] Sometimes I hate how I can't shut up. Like, the people in my Spanish class all think I'm a ditz [again, I could be reading into things] because I say the stupidest things in that class. And I talk so much in English, it's not even funny. I mean, sometimes when I'm talking, I can just see my classmates talking about how I'm a selfish egotistical maniac and how I just love the sound of my voice. And sometimes I say smartie and sarcastic and rude things just to be a pain. I don't know. I'm just flawed like that. And I'm not the only one, but I hate it when I do that. My friend Emily is seriously the nicest person I know. Of course, she's not happy all the time and stuff, but she is pretty much nice to everyone. I wish I could be more like her. Sometimes I can be an incredibly brat. And sometimes the only thing I live for is attention. But I guess I'm just human?

I've always had this weird fascination with quiet people. I either assume that they are really smart or really ... I don't know, interesting? I think this has spawned from the idea that they are smart enough to not draw attention to themselves. Like, they don't need to prove anything to anyone, and they might know everything in the class, but they aren't going to show off because they are so self secure. I know that I wish I had more self control, so I guess that ties in too. I wish I could be quiet all the time and just be secure in myself by myself. But yeah. I met this girl, Livia, this year. And from the moment I saw her, I knew that she was intelligent, no joke. Once again, I probably assumed because she was quiet. But now at the end of the year, I can honestly say that she is one of the most genuinely interesting and smart people I met this year. She has this unique way of seeing things, and she's younger than me which is weird, because I used to always be the youngest in the class.

Anyway. I think I'm done. I've been writing for like, an hour. How weird. But yeah, I'm just going to go to bed. I really don't know what I'm going to do about Chem, but I'll figure something out after I get seven hours of sleep. Goodnight.

Esther