Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

Hahaha. I just got this off of one of my friend's myspace. Fun stuff. I guess I'm a total good girl, haha. I'm ok with that though.

[And yes. It's late. Yesterday I actually stayed up until two. I think I'm going to go to sleep now. Hey, this is the second blog I've posted on here in the last two hours. Intense? Maybe.]

You know, I didn't talk to anyone today. Not one single person. And I realized that being lonely is probably one of the most depressing emotions ever.

[Well, I guess technically, I talked to my mom. But does she count?]

My dad and little brother went to a camp this week. They left on Monday. It was actually very random and last minute for my dad. He was dropping David off, and it turns out that one of the adults got sick and they needed someone. So, of course, my dad is the one to go. He came back home for like, a second, and woke me up to say he was going to camp and could he borrow my camera? Sure, sure.

Yeah, so it's basically just been me and my mom since Monday. I went bowling with her, since my dad and mom are in this casual bowling league. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it already, but whatever. Anyway, he is in the league too. Yeaaahh. I hate being all fake and secretive and not using his name - it makes me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. No, I'm not in middle school. Ew. [As a random tangent, it's weird to think that I'm actually an upperclassman. Not that it would be any different, I suppose. It's also weird and well, quite annoying when people make big deals out of stuff like this. Like, after the last day of school, my dad was talking about how I graduated, and I'm like, "No, I didn't!" Passing sophomore year isn't exactly hard to do, you know. [Getting a 3.83 is slightly difficult, and I'm glad I pulled it off. I had a scare with band of all classes, but it's all good now. I feel like I totally already wrote about this, but whatever. Honestly, I'm typing as fast as I can for no reason and everything I'm saying is extremely stream of consciousness...which I hate doing on command but for some reason am doing right now. Go figure. Yeah, that was a long tangent.] Anyway. He's in the bowling league too. My mom just mentioned it and I guess he liked bowling enough to consider it. It's him, his little brother and his friend on their own team. They aren't like, pros, but nobody on the league is - everyone is just doing it for fun. Yeah, But I had to sub for dad. I pretty much hate bowling simply because I'm so bad at it. I got a 49 on my first game. No, I'm not joking. And yes, I'm pathetic. But by the third game I got a 102, so I guess I kind of redeemed myself. So, sucking at bowling in front of the guy I like wasn't exactly the highlight of my week. Or wait. Was it? Considering how utterly boring today was, it actually might have been.

Yesterday wasn't bad. I hung out with Phillip, Colette and Kevin. Yeah. What is it with boys and grabbing girls' stomachs? I mean, sheesh, why are all my male friends so immature. [It's not really a question, just an observation with the word "why".] But it was fun, even though at the end it kind of died.

I'm not looking forward to junior year. Since my band director is leaving, I'm once again unsure if I'm going to be in Wind Ensemble or FIRE Crew. [Wait a sec. I'm done with the stream of consciousness thing - it's pretty tiring. Ok, I'm taking a break. ...Ok. I'm back.] So basically, a month ago I decided that if I wasn't in the top half of the clarinets in Wind Ensemble, I would quit so I could do FIRE Crew [which is basically tutoring during half of lunch. The only reason I want to do it is because it's like, 70 hours of community service, and really simple to get.] Anyway. I turned out to be sixth chair out of nine - which isn't bad, by the way. People always tell me that I'm good and stuff, but I know that I'm not really. It actually sucks a lot to be so overrated, I'm not joking. I'm not good with compliments that I don't deserve. But yeah, even though I wasn't in the top half, I flaked on my promise to myself and decided that since I didn't really want to do FIRE Crew anyway, and since I could do community service somewhere where...oh, I don't know...it actually helped people, I was going to go with Wind Ensemble. I was pretty secure with this decision. Until I found out about a week ago that my band director is leaving the school and teaching somewhere else. Whattheheck?! And now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just take a break on concert style bands and just do Marching Band next year and do FIRE Crew and help freshmen succeed and all that jazz. Because I'm worried that the new director is going to be crap compared to Mr. Hoffman. I mean, I have a lot of friends who are going to be in Wind Ensemble next year...but that shouldn't be the reason I join. The main reason I wanted to be in Wind Ensemble wasn't to say "Hey, look at me, I'm awesome enough to get into the highest band. Bow down before me, losers." It was because I wanted to be influenced by the people sitting in front of me, and because I wanted to be challenged, and because I wanted to learn and get better, and because I wanted to go to New York. I guess I could still do the first thing, but the other three and dependant on the director. What if the new one gives us easy music? I won't be challenged at all, I won't learn, and will stay the same. Gahh. That would be a complete waste of time. As for the trip to New York, what if the new director decides it isn't important enough? What if we do go, but we haven't learned anything and just end up looking like idiots? I hate what ifs, but seriously. [I need to stop worrying. I do it a lot, believe me. I guess it's a nasty habit.] So yeah. I'm starting to think I should go with the FIRE Crew thing, because that's an open opportunity and I know what I'm getting. And honestly, I already applied for it, and got in like, half a year ago. It would probably be rude to say, "Oh wait...yeah I don't want to do it now." I wanted to do FIRE Crew for selfish reasons, but if I actually change to help freshmen, I could do a lot. More than one teacher recommended me for it, because I'm smart and I know what I'm doing. I remember when I went to the meetings for FIRE Crew, I looked at some of the people there and was kind of surprised. Some of them were nice people, but not the best in classes. Others, well...did drugs and crap. [Of course, you didn't hear it from me, and the teachers obviously don't know about it. So whatever.] So I felt pretty secure in that group, because I can honestly say I deserve those community service hours more than a few of them.

Part of me doesn't want to give up on Wind Ensemble, but part of me is pleading for security and wanted to go with FIRE Crew. So...I don't know.

Anyway. In less stressful, and more fluffy news. He just sent me a message saying that I'm definitely going to Magic Mountain with him [and a group of friends] on Tuesday. You know I can't wait. Ha. Ha. Ha. I laugh at myself and my emotions. What a girl.

Yeah, I'm done.

So basically, I think I'm starting to like this guy. Gah, I'm such a female cliche.

He's not like, a god or anything, but I'm starting to think about him and only him. Every thought suddenly connects to him. I hate it, but at the same time, I love it.

The last time I was like this about a guy, it took me a year to get over it, no joke. But that's also because he liked me back, and yet we didn't get anywhere? I don't know, just thinking about it know makes me feel pathetic to the N-th degree. Yeah.

And the good [?] thing is that I think that possibly, maybe, perhaps, he likes me back. But again, that's what happened last time and it didn't work out. I mean, I don't want to be like that again.

And here's the other part. He's a senior and graduating in like, three days. And he's going to college. And I'm going to be a junior. And it's pretty clear that it would be hard to make this work, even if we both liked each other. I mean, he's going to community college close by, which is great, believe me. [Actually, I'm slightly mad at him, but not really, about that. I mean, he is so intelligent, but lazy. He could do so much better. But at the same time, if he was going to like, USC or something, I would never see him. So for selfish reasons, I'm kind of glad that he's going to community college, which makes me feel bad, but it's not like he cares anyway.]

And as a completely random side note, Cold War Kids is an amazing band. Haha, so random. But I'm listening to them right now and they make everything seem so much better and calmer. Gah, I love them. I need to buy their CD.

But back on topic. I think I felt the strongest connection to him when our band went to Disneyland, and I hung out with him and a group of like, eleven people. But gah, he's so amazing. But at the same time, there are things I don't especially like about him. But I'm ok with that? I don't know, I feel like that, and it's kind of new for me. Like, I hate people who will just point out the bad things about their romantic partner. Like, do you love them or not, because all you do is complain about them. I don't know.

But I'm kind of worried that the connection I'm pretty sure we both had is starting to fade, and I don't want it to. I mean, hopefully it's still there. It is for me. [Gah, he's so adorable. I need to stop this. I'm going to get hurt. I just love how optimistic I am about this. But that's what happens when you get broken.]

So today wasn't that great. I mean, it had it's highlights and it's moments when I wanted to die. Like, I had my Spanish final today, which. Ew. I'm pretty sure I failed, no joke. And then I was just hanging around for like, an hour, because the schedule was weird today, and I don't have a first or second period at my school. My friend Shannon has this strange thing where she needs to move. She was telling me about it, and all she really wants is to go incredibly fast. When we were at Disneyland, she asked what the fastest rides were, but even Space Mountain wasn't fast enough for her. I think I need to take her to Magic Mountain. But yeah, so she asked me to walk with her over to Buena, which is a few blocks away. And being the lovesick girl I am, I reckoned that if I went over there, I might be able to see him, so I went with her. But, I also went because I do like to hang out with Shannon. She is seriously, like, the coolest freshman ever. So we were walking, and I actually didn't expect to see anyone when we got to the band room, but Wind Ensemble was actually in class, and there he was. [Gosh, talk about pathetic. I'm horrible.] So then we were talking about maybe coming by after class and hanging out. I, of course, was ecstatic. [You know, random side bit, but being the love-doubting person I am, I've actually wondered if maybe he knew I liked him, and then not wanting to be rude, decided to be nice to me, and then I just read it the wrong way and was like "Ohmygod, maybe he likes me too?" But I guess this proves that theory wrong, because he didn't actually have to go out of his way to say that? I don't know. Obviously, I think WAY too much into these things.]

So, you know, Shannon and I had to run back to our school and stuff. I was actually enjoying the running, because sometimes I do feel like I need to just go. Running is easily the best way to do that, get the pent up energy out and whatnot. And even though I was late to Chem, it didn't really matter because we weren't doing anything anyway. Now to think of it, we didn't really do anything in any of our classes. And why should we? On the weird schedule, we only had like, half an hour per class. So that was fine.

And then at the end of school, I was considering whether I should go back to Buena or not. I mean, I asked when sixth period started because he doesn't have one, but they were on a weird schedule too, so he didn't know. Being the person I am, I actually was expecting him to forget and leave. But being the person I am, I walked over to Buena anyway, because there was a chance. [The only difference was now it was much warmer and I was wearing my backpack. Sweating is no fun.] So, I'm almost there and then Shannon sees me and calls me from across the street. Awesome. She was with Kaitlyn, who is coolish, so I didn't mind. She said that they were going over to Buena to drop their stuff off and then they were going to eat lunch. I was pretty happy, because now if he wasn't there, I could actually do something other than feel depressed.

So we got to Buena and dropped our stuff off in the band room. I noticed that he wasn't there, but it didn't matter that much anymore. I was with people and going to eat. [Even though I had already eaten at school. Ok, random side note again, but today at lunch the cashier lady told me that she couldn't give me lunch (after I have already gotten it, BTW) because I owed her fifteen cents. What. The. Heck. But then one of the other lunch ladys said something, I'm not quite sure what. Maybe she's going to pay my 15 cents? Maybe she's going to give me an obligation form? But seriously, how stupid is that? It's not even a fifth of a dollar, for crying out loud. Penny pinchers.]

So yeah. We went to Dippin Dots, and I felt the need to splurge, simply because I was so tired from all the walking and the sun. Then we went to Subway so Kaitlyn could eat. [Shannon hadn't felt like eating, and I already had.] So I was feeling pretty good. And then we walked back to the band room and suddenly I'm attacked by my friend Phillip, and he's standing right next to Phillip. My day suddenly got so much better. First the Dippin Dots, and then, hey look. He did show up.

So yeah. We [Phillip, this guy Kris, my friend Darianne, me and him] were hanging out in the hall for a while. It was pretty fun. God, his eyes are amazing.

So after hanging out in the hallway for like, an hour, he gave Phillip and me a ride home. He dropped Phillip off first, which meant that we were alone in the car, but believe me, even if we both liked each other, nothing would have happened. We were just talking about random things. Like speeding tickets. Haha. Yeahhh. He's gotten a speeding ticket before and he said that it has actually scared him enough that he doesn't speed all the time like he used to. But we started talking about how fast his new [it's not actually new, just new to him] car can go. And, you know, I was the one who suggested him going faster. Heh. Not in so many words, but. I asked if he ever got to 130, but he said that he's only gotten to 120, and he's like "You want to try?" And, of course, yes, I did. But we only got to 100. Yay for breaking the law.

Yeah. I'm making him sound horrible and unsafe. But I wanted him to do it. You know, I'm realizing that I can give up anything for a chance of something. I just realized. Like, a few weeks ago he gave me a ride with some other guys and they stopped at Burger King. I was actually hungry, and to tell you the truth, recently I've been wanting to give up vegetarianism. [But don't tell my parents, because they would jump on the chance to stuff meat down my throat.] So he buys two burgers on the dollar menu and offers me one. I say, "Well, I would. But you forget one thing. I'm a vegetarian." And he's like, "I didn't forget" with this smile that I just love. And I couldn't say no. I blame it on my stomach and already weak will. But I would be lying if I said that any other person could have made me eat it.

This proves to be a problem. Am I really that easy to change? I hate people who don't have any self respect and just go with what other people tell them to, but right now, I feel like I'm that person. Oh sheesh.

Well. He drove me home, and all was well. Hopefully there will be more of this? I know that's what I want, but we'll see.

Gah, I hate the new [although, it's not really new] changes in Blogger. It seriously took me way too long to sign in, because I forgot my stupid Google account name. Gah.


Ok, so basically. I think that I've subconsciously missed blogging, even though I still don't have time for it. But recently I've been feeling so distracted and unfocused and whatnot. It's not even funny. Like, I'm still up to my old tricks of procrastinating. I should be doing this incredibly lame busy work for Chemistry right now. But seriously, I couldn't care less about ethanol at the moment.

Yeah. I have nine days of school left, which is so awesome and yet torturous at the same time. It's amazing how it works out like that.

I've actually been doing stuff. I know! A concept. But seriously, I was in this writing program for like a month and a half and it ended a few weeks ago. I've been writing more seriously lately, which is really cool, I actually enjoy it a lot. In fact, I would so rather be writing my English final than working on random stuff for other classes. It's so cool that I actually don't have a test for my English final. We are going through creative writing right now, so I'm pretty psyched. Yep. Anyway, that was a tangent. This writing program I was in was actually to write a short story that's going to be in a book in a few months, which is totally exciting. Yay for being a published author!

Yeah, that was cool. Definitely. But as of right now, I'm not feeling so hot, with the whole lame homework situation. You know how it is. Blehhh.

I'm also slightly tired, since it's like, ten at night. I know, I know, as a teen, it should be my duty to stay up until one in the morning and chat with my friends online and party there's no tomorrow. Psh, as if. I definitely have the lack of sleep thing down, since last week I had to write this essay about the Cold War. Yeah, that was definitely the highlight of my week, with the two hours of sleep and whatnot. Yeah. No sarcasm. None. At. All.

Yeah. Another problem as of now is that I am feeling very, very lonely. Gahh, I hate to be an attention hog, but still. It's the weekend and I didn't talk to any of my friends. Today I actually went to church, which sounds weird, because I've gone to church like every week since I was born. But recently I haven't been going very much, which, as I said before, is weird. Last week I was on a band trip. And the week before that I was doing Relay for Life [which was intensely fun, by the way]. And yeah. It just goes on and on. And even when I have been at church, I haven't gone to youth group for like, two months. Muy strange. But to be completely honest, I've never felt a real connection between myself and most of the people at youth group. Like, I definitely have people that I like there, but we're not like, best friends or anything. It's always been a weird situation. I think it kind of bugs my dad too, because he used to always wonder why I didn't want to go. It's not because I don't love God or anything, because I do. And fellowship with people is cool, I'm not completely antisocial [completely being the main word?]. But it's just always been an awkward situation there. I don't know. And now, some of the people that I used to like are changing, which doesn't help. Like, there's this kid named Eli, and he used to be incredibly sweet and whatnot, and now it just seems like he's changed into this "I'm going to be like everyone else and follow them" clone. I don't know, I'm probably reading into this way too much, as I normally do, but you get the picture I guess. Unless you don't, because you are totally confused. But yeah.

Anyway. I'm just going to skip around topics randomly because I feel like it, and really, no one reads this and therefore they don't care. I was thinking about what I was going to write for my English final. Ms. Steele [My English teacher] read my short story for the writing program and pretty much fell over herself telling me how wonderful and thought out it was. I'll admit that I was flattered, because really, anyone would be. Not to mention that Steele is probably my favorite English teacher ever, no joke. She's pretty young too, only 25. She feels more like a sister or a friend than a teacher, which is cool. Yeah, but anyway. Since she's already seen my writing, I can't really just turn in a second rate job. Not that I would want to anyway. I mean, every opportunity to write, I'm going to use to its full extent and give it everything I've got. But it's still going to be hard, because she is going to have high expectations for me. That's the way it always is though. The people who prove that they are capable always are given more work and responsibility. Yeah. But back to the point. I was thinking about what I was going to write for my English final, and I think I'm going to do a short story about a girl who is suicidal. I know, it's an extremely tough subject. But for some reason, I feel like I can pull it off realistically. I hope that you don't think of me as odd or depressed, because clearly, I'm not. It's just that I have always found humans and their emotions incredibly interesting. I can honestly say that I would never even consider committing suicide, because I am not hopeless. Quite to the contrary. But as an author, I like getting inside of my characters' skin and feeling their world. I could just as easily write a story about typical teenage stuff like boy/girl relationships, but then I would be a normal writer. I mean, seriously, who can't write about that? Everyone with a pulse has a desire to have romantic relationships, our culture seems to be quite obsessed with it. People can write about them realistically, and I applaud them. Then there are the ones who write utter nonsense, you know what I'm talking about. I've read these books and been like, "Never. Never in a million years would any boy say that." I mean, really. But anyway. Anyone can write about that, but not everyone can write about something like suicide.

When I write, I characterize. I love good dialogue. I love getting to know each character like they were a real and breathing person. I also love imagery and metaphors. Spelling, however, is clearly not one of my strong suites. Thank God for spell check. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

I'm not quite sure if I've mentioned this yet, but one of my new year's resolutions is to write a book. I've tried NaNoWriMo like, two times, but since it's in November, which is always a busy month for me, I never even get close to finishing. Actually, if I was to be completely honest, I don't think I've actually finished a chapter. Gah, how lame. But I'm honestly very worried. What if I simply cannot be a novelist? I am getting very good at short stories, considering that I haven't been writing for very long. I think it's only been about a year and a half. But yeah. I'm worried that I have gotten so used to writing ten pages max, that I will never be able to hold my reader's attention for a full 100-200 page book. And to write that! Oh my gosh. I love writing so much, but I'll be the first to say that it is indeed work. Luckily, I'm a good self editor. But still.

Gah. Have I mentioned that I feel lonely? Yes, yes I have. But can I be annoying and needy and pathetic for a few seconds? I heard this song on the radio today, and one of the lines was "We all need to be needed". Now, I usually don't like music from this artist, but those words feel so incredibly insightful. At least I know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. But seriously. I need attention. I'm worried that I'm starting to become dependant on it, no joke. I'm probably being a drama queen and stuff and am not even that bad considering a lot of messed up people out there. I'm fine on my own, unless there is someone with me. That might not make sense. I'm not really afraid of silence, per se, but I'd rather be in conversation, and not an awkward one. When I was in middle school, I was pretty quiet. But it seems like since I got into high school I've been opening up and expressing my opinions more. I'm afraid that I won't be able to close down again. I mean, sometimes I just talk and ramble and say stuff that really is just words and has no meaning and doesn't matter and it can be really stupid. [That's pretty much the sentence that defines my blogging, but it's different with blogging, you know? No one is really reading this, and if they are, then they chose to.] Sometimes I hate how I can't shut up. Like, the people in my Spanish class all think I'm a ditz [again, I could be reading into things] because I say the stupidest things in that class. And I talk so much in English, it's not even funny. I mean, sometimes when I'm talking, I can just see my classmates talking about how I'm a selfish egotistical maniac and how I just love the sound of my voice. And sometimes I say smartie and sarcastic and rude things just to be a pain. I don't know. I'm just flawed like that. And I'm not the only one, but I hate it when I do that. My friend Emily is seriously the nicest person I know. Of course, she's not happy all the time and stuff, but she is pretty much nice to everyone. I wish I could be more like her. Sometimes I can be an incredibly brat. And sometimes the only thing I live for is attention. But I guess I'm just human?

I've always had this weird fascination with quiet people. I either assume that they are really smart or really ... I don't know, interesting? I think this has spawned from the idea that they are smart enough to not draw attention to themselves. Like, they don't need to prove anything to anyone, and they might know everything in the class, but they aren't going to show off because they are so self secure. I know that I wish I had more self control, so I guess that ties in too. I wish I could be quiet all the time and just be secure in myself by myself. But yeah. I met this girl, Livia, this year. And from the moment I saw her, I knew that she was intelligent, no joke. Once again, I probably assumed because she was quiet. But now at the end of the year, I can honestly say that she is one of the most genuinely interesting and smart people I met this year. She has this unique way of seeing things, and she's younger than me which is weird, because I used to always be the youngest in the class.

Anyway. I think I'm done. I've been writing for like, an hour. How weird. But yeah, I'm just going to go to bed. I really don't know what I'm going to do about Chem, but I'll figure something out after I get seven hours of sleep. Goodnight.

Esther