This blog is dead.

But apparently, I'm not. Today is my birthday. I've survived 16 years of living.

Anyway. Since this blog is dead [if anyone reads this, and for some reason wants to know where my new blog is, check http://fauxnefarious.wordpress.com/], I'm going to cut and paste a message I sent my friend. About a boy. Yes, I am lame. But Myspace deletes sent messages, and I don't want to save this to my computer. Here:

Well, first, we were walking to the band room for no reason, and I grabbed his hand so we were holding hands on the way there. When we got there, after passing Frock [Felicia & Rock] and Anjor [Andi & Jordon], we saw it was empty, so we were in the band room alone.

Me: Bradley, what's going on?

And his voice and eyes got all soft.
Him: I don't know.
Me: Is it a good thing?
Him: Yes, I think so. Is it a good thing for you?
Me: Yeah. But...I kind of wish something would happen.
Him: Yeah, I know.

And then we hugged for a really long time.
While we were hugging, I said: Now that marching season is over, I'm worried that I won't get to see you.
Him: (sigh) That's why I didn't know [what's going on].

And then he said something about how he's pretty much never in town [since he goes to SBCC], and whatnot. So basically, what I got from that is that he hasn't asked me out because he's afraid of having a semi-long distance relationship, since we won't get to see each other extremely often.

And then we talked some more in the band room, but honestly, I can't really remember it all. [I remember that we were saying something about our relationship and he said something about being "kind of good" and I asked "kind of?" and he stopped and smile and said "of course it's good".] But I really don't remember the rest. Not to be 100% cliche, but I felt like I was in a daze. Like, when we left the band room to find our parents, I felt like my legs weren't attached. It was weird.

We found his mom pretty easily, but not my parents, so we were just standing in the cafeteria as the other parents were wrapping up, and somehow we ended up holding each other again. Mr. Smith walked past us and said something about rules, and Bradley was like "yeah, yeah". [Haha, I'm glad he cares more about me than stupid rules.] And Christina walked past us and was like, "All I want to say is 'I told you so'." Heh, it was funny.

Me: Heh, I lot of people have been asking me about this.
Him: Yeah, me too.
But then I asked him [and this is probably the most frustrating part]: So what are we?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well, what do you want?
Him: I don't know.
Me: You don't know?
Him: Well, what do you want?
Me: I don't know.

Which is totally not the right answer, damn it. Oh well. And I almost want to be more frustrated than I am, because I'm not sure if I am. His voice was so perfectly soft the whole time, and I can't be mad at him even though he really needs to find out what he really wants. I mean, he cares about me, and I care about him. Should I really be content with that? Because right now I think I am, and I know that if I tell Brittany this, which I probably will, she'll still be all like "What the heck? He's being a coward. You deserve better."

Before I let go of him and found my dad, I said "I want to see you soon." And he agreed.

So, bottom line. We both like each other. We could possibly be labeled as "together". But as for formally "boyfriend/girlfriend", not yet.

Esther