Last week I tried out for clarinet section leader in Marching Band. I thought I had a pretty good chance. I mean, pretty much everybody was sure I was going to get it because the other two people trying out were not that great. Well, suprise. Today the section leader lists went up and I wasn't on it.

I'm bummed out.

But whatever. I mean, the new section leader has the responsibility now, but who cares? I'm still pretty good. And I know things they don't, so the fact that I'm not section leader doesn't change anything. I guess I really didn't have a fantastic chance because I'm a freshman and both of the others are juniors. But still.

I'm thinking of getting revenge, but not in a normal way. For a little while I thought about switching out to drumline (I've always wanted to play drums anyway, so why not?) but I figure, I'll be flipping awesome instead. Like, if anybody walked by, they could see how great I am at what I do, and then it really doesn't matter that I don't have the title, because I'm still the best. So I'm still the coolest, everyone knows it, and I don't have all the responsibility. Sweet.

Eh. It'll still be lame. But I guess I just have to go with what I've got.

Citrus

Have you ever become engulfed in an orange?
Eating oranges properly has no adventure.
It takes almost all the excitement out of it.
When you split the orange into two hemispheres
That still have the skin
You can start seeing the beauty.

With the first hemisphere, you pick at it like
You would do any other day.
Making sure to pick off all the white clinging skin
The reward isn’t worth all the work.

With the second hemisphere, you take a deep breath
And plunge into the citrus sea of an orange.
Just shove it in your mouth
With absolutely no dignity.
For a split second you are consumed by
The sweetness of the juice
Like you forgot how to swim.
The citric acid attacks your nose
And stings at your lips.
It burns at your face, your existence.
But it’s a pleasant burn,
The kind of burn you get
When you see that Someone
But without the strained heartstrings.
The kind of burn you get
Right before the runner’s high kicks in
But without the sore legs.
And the wonderful juice you were just drowning in
Is dripping down your chin
Leaving a sticky trail.
But it doesn’t matter and you can’t help but smile
Because you know you are going to smell like citrus
And it’s going to remind you of what you just did.
The joy you just experienced
Being baptized in orange juice.
And it’s not dignified, not proper,
So utterly primitive,
And yet so, so utterly lovely.

Have you ever done that?

Yesterday I felt kind of sad. I weigh 105. Now, I have weighed 100 for a little while and i was cool with it. Actually, in Spain, due to my diet and exercise, I went down to 90. I gained those ten pounds in the first week back, but still. And I've gained five pounds in a few weeks.

I'm not fat. I eat right for the most part. The only junk food I like is chocolate and I don't eat that much. Maybe it's stress. Maybe I should just exercise more.

Anyway. I went to Main Street with some of my friends. We went thrift store shopping and I found this awesome trench coat. It was 13 dollars and it is probably the coolest thing I own. Well...maybe not, but it is pretty sweet. Too bad I live in the warm place we know as Southern California. I might wear it on the coldest day this week. I better check the weather forcast (for once).

Right now I'm checking out music on Myspace. Saving Jane is officially a fantastic band. I totally recommend them.

Until next time.

So. Lately I've been feeling alright to pretty good, which is nice. It's not like those lame emotions are going to go away, but I think I'll learn to live. Maybe.

Testing is over which makes me sad and happy at the same time. I'm kind of down because Hey, when we have testing, we have less homework. Which is true.

I'm glad it's over though because this and last week were completely tiring. I was ready for Frienday every single day this week. Because even though we didn't have much homework, we did have some. In fact, one day this week I had less than six hours of sleep, which you know isn't good. Recently I heard that the recommended sleep for teenagers is nine hours. I get up at 5:45am. For me to get nine hours of sleep, I would have to go to bed at 8:45pm. Yeah. right.

Anyway, here's the basic lowdown on the testing. English - Pretty easy. Geometry - Not a breeze, but I wasn't about to die. I won't lie: I had to guess on some. There is no way I am becoming a math teacher. Biology - Pretty easy. And I don't even like Biology.

My Spanish teacher was getting pretty frustrated because the testing had messed up the classes. Perhaps the testing is also to blame for my being tired. However, all in all, I'm great. Maybe because the hope of the weekend is just around the corner.

I feel...disgusting.

I hate emotions.

I hate being an emotional girl.

But most of all, I hate stupid sexist stereotypes. Mostly because I'm using one right now, but also because of the many "Male" stereotypes.

Males are supposed to be the ones that are new-girl-every-minute and the such. I feel like that. Sure, I am in a sad state of loving one who does not love me. Yet every time I even get close to a boy in general...

That is so...

There aren't words to describe how much I hate my emotions.

I always used to roll my eyes at the emotional "But I LOVE him, wah cry, on to the next one" girls. Until I became good friends with one of them.

And now I am one of them.

I should become a nun. Or a hermit.

Yes. That will now be my life's goal.

...How utterly lame.

I cannot just run away and pretend I never met a male in my life. (As if it isn't hard enough just to cope with females.)

I guess I should first stop acting like an attention-wanting-drama-queen.

That might help.