Ok. This blog is dead, so I'm going to post something from my other blog in here, so I can delete it there. Ok? Ok.

Originally written Jan 15, 2008:


Hmmm, now that I think about it, I’m not even sure.
There is so much going on. This is obvious when it comes to school. Freaking finals. Though, I think I’ve definitely grown complacent, and that worries me. I mean…yeah, I don’t even know.
It seems like I don’t even have half-thoughts anymore, more like flashes and flickering blurs as they run past my conscious. I can’t hold a conversation anymore. And it makes me feel…lesser, but I’m sure I’ll get over it. Sometimes it’s hard to actually talk to people about anything, because I want every conversation to be worthy of words, but I think I freak people out because I’m too serious. And no, I’m not even thinking about a specific instance with specific people: this is all very general. I guess this is why I love my friends: they help me loosen up and laugh.
And then there’s social issues, which have been amazing and worrisome, depending on who we are talking about. My weekend was a huge combination of both school and social stress, and therefore, it wasn’t wonderful.
Sometimes I understand people more than they understand themselves. Sometimes I think I understand people and I’m completely wrong. Sometimes people are enigmas.
I never thought I could impact someone so much. I never thought I could hurt someone so much. Yes, I’m a jerk and I like to make fun of my friends. It’s what I do: I have a dark sense of humor. I have an acid tongue. And I would think that the most I could hurt someone would be through carelessly wielding this weapon. But I was so wrong.
When it comes down to it, I hurt someone by genuinely caring about them.
I’m bewildered, actually. I’m not a heartbreaker. I don’t play those stupid mind games. And I’m frustrated, because I want him to be happy. I’m not worth it.
Obviously, I’ve dwelled too much on this. I’ve come to a conclusion: I’m genuinely sorry that I hurt someone that I still care about. I was never one to throw a friendship away because of difficulty. But. I’m not sorry that I’m happy with what I have. In fact, I’m enthralled. I’m not going to feel guilty, because I did what I thought was right. He’ll get better.
Enough about that. Freaking psychology. I hate you. I always do this to myself: I can’t actually be productive until it’s too late.
So, lots of random news stories and blogs that I read have been talking about how amazing sleep is for memory and all that. Well, I would like to take your word for it, but how the hell am I supposed to remember something that I haven’t studied? Why do you think I’m spending my nights working: because I have to get it done. The phrase “time management” is not in my vocabulary. And seriously, sleep is overrated. I mean, duh. That, and eating. Yeah.
I’m just going to stop while I’m behind.

This blog is dead.

But apparently, I'm not. Today is my birthday. I've survived 16 years of living.

Anyway. Since this blog is dead [if anyone reads this, and for some reason wants to know where my new blog is, check http://fauxnefarious.wordpress.com/], I'm going to cut and paste a message I sent my friend. About a boy. Yes, I am lame. But Myspace deletes sent messages, and I don't want to save this to my computer. Here:

Well, first, we were walking to the band room for no reason, and I grabbed his hand so we were holding hands on the way there. When we got there, after passing Frock [Felicia & Rock] and Anjor [Andi & Jordon], we saw it was empty, so we were in the band room alone.

Me: Bradley, what's going on?

And his voice and eyes got all soft.
Him: I don't know.
Me: Is it a good thing?
Him: Yes, I think so. Is it a good thing for you?
Me: Yeah. But...I kind of wish something would happen.
Him: Yeah, I know.

And then we hugged for a really long time.
While we were hugging, I said: Now that marching season is over, I'm worried that I won't get to see you.
Him: (sigh) That's why I didn't know [what's going on].

And then he said something about how he's pretty much never in town [since he goes to SBCC], and whatnot. So basically, what I got from that is that he hasn't asked me out because he's afraid of having a semi-long distance relationship, since we won't get to see each other extremely often.

And then we talked some more in the band room, but honestly, I can't really remember it all. [I remember that we were saying something about our relationship and he said something about being "kind of good" and I asked "kind of?" and he stopped and smile and said "of course it's good".] But I really don't remember the rest. Not to be 100% cliche, but I felt like I was in a daze. Like, when we left the band room to find our parents, I felt like my legs weren't attached. It was weird.

We found his mom pretty easily, but not my parents, so we were just standing in the cafeteria as the other parents were wrapping up, and somehow we ended up holding each other again. Mr. Smith walked past us and said something about rules, and Bradley was like "yeah, yeah". [Haha, I'm glad he cares more about me than stupid rules.] And Christina walked past us and was like, "All I want to say is 'I told you so'." Heh, it was funny.

Me: Heh, I lot of people have been asking me about this.
Him: Yeah, me too.
But then I asked him [and this is probably the most frustrating part]: So what are we?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well, what do you want?
Him: I don't know.
Me: You don't know?
Him: Well, what do you want?
Me: I don't know.

Which is totally not the right answer, damn it. Oh well. And I almost want to be more frustrated than I am, because I'm not sure if I am. His voice was so perfectly soft the whole time, and I can't be mad at him even though he really needs to find out what he really wants. I mean, he cares about me, and I care about him. Should I really be content with that? Because right now I think I am, and I know that if I tell Brittany this, which I probably will, she'll still be all like "What the heck? He's being a coward. You deserve better."

Before I let go of him and found my dad, I said "I want to see you soon." And he agreed.

So, bottom line. We both like each other. We could possibly be labeled as "together". But as for formally "boyfriend/girlfriend", not yet.

Esther

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

Hahaha. I just got this off of one of my friend's myspace. Fun stuff. I guess I'm a total good girl, haha. I'm ok with that though.

[And yes. It's late. Yesterday I actually stayed up until two. I think I'm going to go to sleep now. Hey, this is the second blog I've posted on here in the last two hours. Intense? Maybe.]

You know, I didn't talk to anyone today. Not one single person. And I realized that being lonely is probably one of the most depressing emotions ever.

[Well, I guess technically, I talked to my mom. But does she count?]

My dad and little brother went to a camp this week. They left on Monday. It was actually very random and last minute for my dad. He was dropping David off, and it turns out that one of the adults got sick and they needed someone. So, of course, my dad is the one to go. He came back home for like, a second, and woke me up to say he was going to camp and could he borrow my camera? Sure, sure.

Yeah, so it's basically just been me and my mom since Monday. I went bowling with her, since my dad and mom are in this casual bowling league. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it already, but whatever. Anyway, he is in the league too. Yeaaahh. I hate being all fake and secretive and not using his name - it makes me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. No, I'm not in middle school. Ew. [As a random tangent, it's weird to think that I'm actually an upperclassman. Not that it would be any different, I suppose. It's also weird and well, quite annoying when people make big deals out of stuff like this. Like, after the last day of school, my dad was talking about how I graduated, and I'm like, "No, I didn't!" Passing sophomore year isn't exactly hard to do, you know. [Getting a 3.83 is slightly difficult, and I'm glad I pulled it off. I had a scare with band of all classes, but it's all good now. I feel like I totally already wrote about this, but whatever. Honestly, I'm typing as fast as I can for no reason and everything I'm saying is extremely stream of consciousness...which I hate doing on command but for some reason am doing right now. Go figure. Yeah, that was a long tangent.] Anyway. He's in the bowling league too. My mom just mentioned it and I guess he liked bowling enough to consider it. It's him, his little brother and his friend on their own team. They aren't like, pros, but nobody on the league is - everyone is just doing it for fun. Yeah, But I had to sub for dad. I pretty much hate bowling simply because I'm so bad at it. I got a 49 on my first game. No, I'm not joking. And yes, I'm pathetic. But by the third game I got a 102, so I guess I kind of redeemed myself. So, sucking at bowling in front of the guy I like wasn't exactly the highlight of my week. Or wait. Was it? Considering how utterly boring today was, it actually might have been.

Yesterday wasn't bad. I hung out with Phillip, Colette and Kevin. Yeah. What is it with boys and grabbing girls' stomachs? I mean, sheesh, why are all my male friends so immature. [It's not really a question, just an observation with the word "why".] But it was fun, even though at the end it kind of died.

I'm not looking forward to junior year. Since my band director is leaving, I'm once again unsure if I'm going to be in Wind Ensemble or FIRE Crew. [Wait a sec. I'm done with the stream of consciousness thing - it's pretty tiring. Ok, I'm taking a break. ...Ok. I'm back.] So basically, a month ago I decided that if I wasn't in the top half of the clarinets in Wind Ensemble, I would quit so I could do FIRE Crew [which is basically tutoring during half of lunch. The only reason I want to do it is because it's like, 70 hours of community service, and really simple to get.] Anyway. I turned out to be sixth chair out of nine - which isn't bad, by the way. People always tell me that I'm good and stuff, but I know that I'm not really. It actually sucks a lot to be so overrated, I'm not joking. I'm not good with compliments that I don't deserve. But yeah, even though I wasn't in the top half, I flaked on my promise to myself and decided that since I didn't really want to do FIRE Crew anyway, and since I could do community service somewhere where...oh, I don't know...it actually helped people, I was going to go with Wind Ensemble. I was pretty secure with this decision. Until I found out about a week ago that my band director is leaving the school and teaching somewhere else. Whattheheck?! And now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just take a break on concert style bands and just do Marching Band next year and do FIRE Crew and help freshmen succeed and all that jazz. Because I'm worried that the new director is going to be crap compared to Mr. Hoffman. I mean, I have a lot of friends who are going to be in Wind Ensemble next year...but that shouldn't be the reason I join. The main reason I wanted to be in Wind Ensemble wasn't to say "Hey, look at me, I'm awesome enough to get into the highest band. Bow down before me, losers." It was because I wanted to be influenced by the people sitting in front of me, and because I wanted to be challenged, and because I wanted to learn and get better, and because I wanted to go to New York. I guess I could still do the first thing, but the other three and dependant on the director. What if the new one gives us easy music? I won't be challenged at all, I won't learn, and will stay the same. Gahh. That would be a complete waste of time. As for the trip to New York, what if the new director decides it isn't important enough? What if we do go, but we haven't learned anything and just end up looking like idiots? I hate what ifs, but seriously. [I need to stop worrying. I do it a lot, believe me. I guess it's a nasty habit.] So yeah. I'm starting to think I should go with the FIRE Crew thing, because that's an open opportunity and I know what I'm getting. And honestly, I already applied for it, and got in like, half a year ago. It would probably be rude to say, "Oh wait...yeah I don't want to do it now." I wanted to do FIRE Crew for selfish reasons, but if I actually change to help freshmen, I could do a lot. More than one teacher recommended me for it, because I'm smart and I know what I'm doing. I remember when I went to the meetings for FIRE Crew, I looked at some of the people there and was kind of surprised. Some of them were nice people, but not the best in classes. Others, well...did drugs and crap. [Of course, you didn't hear it from me, and the teachers obviously don't know about it. So whatever.] So I felt pretty secure in that group, because I can honestly say I deserve those community service hours more than a few of them.

Part of me doesn't want to give up on Wind Ensemble, but part of me is pleading for security and wanted to go with FIRE Crew. So...I don't know.

Anyway. In less stressful, and more fluffy news. He just sent me a message saying that I'm definitely going to Magic Mountain with him [and a group of friends] on Tuesday. You know I can't wait. Ha. Ha. Ha. I laugh at myself and my emotions. What a girl.

Yeah, I'm done.

So basically, I think I'm starting to like this guy. Gah, I'm such a female cliche.

He's not like, a god or anything, but I'm starting to think about him and only him. Every thought suddenly connects to him. I hate it, but at the same time, I love it.

The last time I was like this about a guy, it took me a year to get over it, no joke. But that's also because he liked me back, and yet we didn't get anywhere? I don't know, just thinking about it know makes me feel pathetic to the N-th degree. Yeah.

And the good [?] thing is that I think that possibly, maybe, perhaps, he likes me back. But again, that's what happened last time and it didn't work out. I mean, I don't want to be like that again.

And here's the other part. He's a senior and graduating in like, three days. And he's going to college. And I'm going to be a junior. And it's pretty clear that it would be hard to make this work, even if we both liked each other. I mean, he's going to community college close by, which is great, believe me. [Actually, I'm slightly mad at him, but not really, about that. I mean, he is so intelligent, but lazy. He could do so much better. But at the same time, if he was going to like, USC or something, I would never see him. So for selfish reasons, I'm kind of glad that he's going to community college, which makes me feel bad, but it's not like he cares anyway.]

And as a completely random side note, Cold War Kids is an amazing band. Haha, so random. But I'm listening to them right now and they make everything seem so much better and calmer. Gah, I love them. I need to buy their CD.

But back on topic. I think I felt the strongest connection to him when our band went to Disneyland, and I hung out with him and a group of like, eleven people. But gah, he's so amazing. But at the same time, there are things I don't especially like about him. But I'm ok with that? I don't know, I feel like that, and it's kind of new for me. Like, I hate people who will just point out the bad things about their romantic partner. Like, do you love them or not, because all you do is complain about them. I don't know.

But I'm kind of worried that the connection I'm pretty sure we both had is starting to fade, and I don't want it to. I mean, hopefully it's still there. It is for me. [Gah, he's so adorable. I need to stop this. I'm going to get hurt. I just love how optimistic I am about this. But that's what happens when you get broken.]

So today wasn't that great. I mean, it had it's highlights and it's moments when I wanted to die. Like, I had my Spanish final today, which. Ew. I'm pretty sure I failed, no joke. And then I was just hanging around for like, an hour, because the schedule was weird today, and I don't have a first or second period at my school. My friend Shannon has this strange thing where she needs to move. She was telling me about it, and all she really wants is to go incredibly fast. When we were at Disneyland, she asked what the fastest rides were, but even Space Mountain wasn't fast enough for her. I think I need to take her to Magic Mountain. But yeah, so she asked me to walk with her over to Buena, which is a few blocks away. And being the lovesick girl I am, I reckoned that if I went over there, I might be able to see him, so I went with her. But, I also went because I do like to hang out with Shannon. She is seriously, like, the coolest freshman ever. So we were walking, and I actually didn't expect to see anyone when we got to the band room, but Wind Ensemble was actually in class, and there he was. [Gosh, talk about pathetic. I'm horrible.] So then we were talking about maybe coming by after class and hanging out. I, of course, was ecstatic. [You know, random side bit, but being the love-doubting person I am, I've actually wondered if maybe he knew I liked him, and then not wanting to be rude, decided to be nice to me, and then I just read it the wrong way and was like "Ohmygod, maybe he likes me too?" But I guess this proves that theory wrong, because he didn't actually have to go out of his way to say that? I don't know. Obviously, I think WAY too much into these things.]

So, you know, Shannon and I had to run back to our school and stuff. I was actually enjoying the running, because sometimes I do feel like I need to just go. Running is easily the best way to do that, get the pent up energy out and whatnot. And even though I was late to Chem, it didn't really matter because we weren't doing anything anyway. Now to think of it, we didn't really do anything in any of our classes. And why should we? On the weird schedule, we only had like, half an hour per class. So that was fine.

And then at the end of school, I was considering whether I should go back to Buena or not. I mean, I asked when sixth period started because he doesn't have one, but they were on a weird schedule too, so he didn't know. Being the person I am, I actually was expecting him to forget and leave. But being the person I am, I walked over to Buena anyway, because there was a chance. [The only difference was now it was much warmer and I was wearing my backpack. Sweating is no fun.] So, I'm almost there and then Shannon sees me and calls me from across the street. Awesome. She was with Kaitlyn, who is coolish, so I didn't mind. She said that they were going over to Buena to drop their stuff off and then they were going to eat lunch. I was pretty happy, because now if he wasn't there, I could actually do something other than feel depressed.

So we got to Buena and dropped our stuff off in the band room. I noticed that he wasn't there, but it didn't matter that much anymore. I was with people and going to eat. [Even though I had already eaten at school. Ok, random side note again, but today at lunch the cashier lady told me that she couldn't give me lunch (after I have already gotten it, BTW) because I owed her fifteen cents. What. The. Heck. But then one of the other lunch ladys said something, I'm not quite sure what. Maybe she's going to pay my 15 cents? Maybe she's going to give me an obligation form? But seriously, how stupid is that? It's not even a fifth of a dollar, for crying out loud. Penny pinchers.]

So yeah. We went to Dippin Dots, and I felt the need to splurge, simply because I was so tired from all the walking and the sun. Then we went to Subway so Kaitlyn could eat. [Shannon hadn't felt like eating, and I already had.] So I was feeling pretty good. And then we walked back to the band room and suddenly I'm attacked by my friend Phillip, and he's standing right next to Phillip. My day suddenly got so much better. First the Dippin Dots, and then, hey look. He did show up.

So yeah. We [Phillip, this guy Kris, my friend Darianne, me and him] were hanging out in the hall for a while. It was pretty fun. God, his eyes are amazing.

So after hanging out in the hallway for like, an hour, he gave Phillip and me a ride home. He dropped Phillip off first, which meant that we were alone in the car, but believe me, even if we both liked each other, nothing would have happened. We were just talking about random things. Like speeding tickets. Haha. Yeahhh. He's gotten a speeding ticket before and he said that it has actually scared him enough that he doesn't speed all the time like he used to. But we started talking about how fast his new [it's not actually new, just new to him] car can go. And, you know, I was the one who suggested him going faster. Heh. Not in so many words, but. I asked if he ever got to 130, but he said that he's only gotten to 120, and he's like "You want to try?" And, of course, yes, I did. But we only got to 100. Yay for breaking the law.

Yeah. I'm making him sound horrible and unsafe. But I wanted him to do it. You know, I'm realizing that I can give up anything for a chance of something. I just realized. Like, a few weeks ago he gave me a ride with some other guys and they stopped at Burger King. I was actually hungry, and to tell you the truth, recently I've been wanting to give up vegetarianism. [But don't tell my parents, because they would jump on the chance to stuff meat down my throat.] So he buys two burgers on the dollar menu and offers me one. I say, "Well, I would. But you forget one thing. I'm a vegetarian." And he's like, "I didn't forget" with this smile that I just love. And I couldn't say no. I blame it on my stomach and already weak will. But I would be lying if I said that any other person could have made me eat it.

This proves to be a problem. Am I really that easy to change? I hate people who don't have any self respect and just go with what other people tell them to, but right now, I feel like I'm that person. Oh sheesh.

Well. He drove me home, and all was well. Hopefully there will be more of this? I know that's what I want, but we'll see.

Gah, I hate the new [although, it's not really new] changes in Blogger. It seriously took me way too long to sign in, because I forgot my stupid Google account name. Gah.


Ok, so basically. I think that I've subconsciously missed blogging, even though I still don't have time for it. But recently I've been feeling so distracted and unfocused and whatnot. It's not even funny. Like, I'm still up to my old tricks of procrastinating. I should be doing this incredibly lame busy work for Chemistry right now. But seriously, I couldn't care less about ethanol at the moment.

Yeah. I have nine days of school left, which is so awesome and yet torturous at the same time. It's amazing how it works out like that.

I've actually been doing stuff. I know! A concept. But seriously, I was in this writing program for like a month and a half and it ended a few weeks ago. I've been writing more seriously lately, which is really cool, I actually enjoy it a lot. In fact, I would so rather be writing my English final than working on random stuff for other classes. It's so cool that I actually don't have a test for my English final. We are going through creative writing right now, so I'm pretty psyched. Yep. Anyway, that was a tangent. This writing program I was in was actually to write a short story that's going to be in a book in a few months, which is totally exciting. Yay for being a published author!

Yeah, that was cool. Definitely. But as of right now, I'm not feeling so hot, with the whole lame homework situation. You know how it is. Blehhh.

I'm also slightly tired, since it's like, ten at night. I know, I know, as a teen, it should be my duty to stay up until one in the morning and chat with my friends online and party there's no tomorrow. Psh, as if. I definitely have the lack of sleep thing down, since last week I had to write this essay about the Cold War. Yeah, that was definitely the highlight of my week, with the two hours of sleep and whatnot. Yeah. No sarcasm. None. At. All.

Yeah. Another problem as of now is that I am feeling very, very lonely. Gahh, I hate to be an attention hog, but still. It's the weekend and I didn't talk to any of my friends. Today I actually went to church, which sounds weird, because I've gone to church like every week since I was born. But recently I haven't been going very much, which, as I said before, is weird. Last week I was on a band trip. And the week before that I was doing Relay for Life [which was intensely fun, by the way]. And yeah. It just goes on and on. And even when I have been at church, I haven't gone to youth group for like, two months. Muy strange. But to be completely honest, I've never felt a real connection between myself and most of the people at youth group. Like, I definitely have people that I like there, but we're not like, best friends or anything. It's always been a weird situation. I think it kind of bugs my dad too, because he used to always wonder why I didn't want to go. It's not because I don't love God or anything, because I do. And fellowship with people is cool, I'm not completely antisocial [completely being the main word?]. But it's just always been an awkward situation there. I don't know. And now, some of the people that I used to like are changing, which doesn't help. Like, there's this kid named Eli, and he used to be incredibly sweet and whatnot, and now it just seems like he's changed into this "I'm going to be like everyone else and follow them" clone. I don't know, I'm probably reading into this way too much, as I normally do, but you get the picture I guess. Unless you don't, because you are totally confused. But yeah.

Anyway. I'm just going to skip around topics randomly because I feel like it, and really, no one reads this and therefore they don't care. I was thinking about what I was going to write for my English final. Ms. Steele [My English teacher] read my short story for the writing program and pretty much fell over herself telling me how wonderful and thought out it was. I'll admit that I was flattered, because really, anyone would be. Not to mention that Steele is probably my favorite English teacher ever, no joke. She's pretty young too, only 25. She feels more like a sister or a friend than a teacher, which is cool. Yeah, but anyway. Since she's already seen my writing, I can't really just turn in a second rate job. Not that I would want to anyway. I mean, every opportunity to write, I'm going to use to its full extent and give it everything I've got. But it's still going to be hard, because she is going to have high expectations for me. That's the way it always is though. The people who prove that they are capable always are given more work and responsibility. Yeah. But back to the point. I was thinking about what I was going to write for my English final, and I think I'm going to do a short story about a girl who is suicidal. I know, it's an extremely tough subject. But for some reason, I feel like I can pull it off realistically. I hope that you don't think of me as odd or depressed, because clearly, I'm not. It's just that I have always found humans and their emotions incredibly interesting. I can honestly say that I would never even consider committing suicide, because I am not hopeless. Quite to the contrary. But as an author, I like getting inside of my characters' skin and feeling their world. I could just as easily write a story about typical teenage stuff like boy/girl relationships, but then I would be a normal writer. I mean, seriously, who can't write about that? Everyone with a pulse has a desire to have romantic relationships, our culture seems to be quite obsessed with it. People can write about them realistically, and I applaud them. Then there are the ones who write utter nonsense, you know what I'm talking about. I've read these books and been like, "Never. Never in a million years would any boy say that." I mean, really. But anyway. Anyone can write about that, but not everyone can write about something like suicide.

When I write, I characterize. I love good dialogue. I love getting to know each character like they were a real and breathing person. I also love imagery and metaphors. Spelling, however, is clearly not one of my strong suites. Thank God for spell check. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

I'm not quite sure if I've mentioned this yet, but one of my new year's resolutions is to write a book. I've tried NaNoWriMo like, two times, but since it's in November, which is always a busy month for me, I never even get close to finishing. Actually, if I was to be completely honest, I don't think I've actually finished a chapter. Gah, how lame. But I'm honestly very worried. What if I simply cannot be a novelist? I am getting very good at short stories, considering that I haven't been writing for very long. I think it's only been about a year and a half. But yeah. I'm worried that I have gotten so used to writing ten pages max, that I will never be able to hold my reader's attention for a full 100-200 page book. And to write that! Oh my gosh. I love writing so much, but I'll be the first to say that it is indeed work. Luckily, I'm a good self editor. But still.

Gah. Have I mentioned that I feel lonely? Yes, yes I have. But can I be annoying and needy and pathetic for a few seconds? I heard this song on the radio today, and one of the lines was "We all need to be needed". Now, I usually don't like music from this artist, but those words feel so incredibly insightful. At least I know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. But seriously. I need attention. I'm worried that I'm starting to become dependant on it, no joke. I'm probably being a drama queen and stuff and am not even that bad considering a lot of messed up people out there. I'm fine on my own, unless there is someone with me. That might not make sense. I'm not really afraid of silence, per se, but I'd rather be in conversation, and not an awkward one. When I was in middle school, I was pretty quiet. But it seems like since I got into high school I've been opening up and expressing my opinions more. I'm afraid that I won't be able to close down again. I mean, sometimes I just talk and ramble and say stuff that really is just words and has no meaning and doesn't matter and it can be really stupid. [That's pretty much the sentence that defines my blogging, but it's different with blogging, you know? No one is really reading this, and if they are, then they chose to.] Sometimes I hate how I can't shut up. Like, the people in my Spanish class all think I'm a ditz [again, I could be reading into things] because I say the stupidest things in that class. And I talk so much in English, it's not even funny. I mean, sometimes when I'm talking, I can just see my classmates talking about how I'm a selfish egotistical maniac and how I just love the sound of my voice. And sometimes I say smartie and sarcastic and rude things just to be a pain. I don't know. I'm just flawed like that. And I'm not the only one, but I hate it when I do that. My friend Emily is seriously the nicest person I know. Of course, she's not happy all the time and stuff, but she is pretty much nice to everyone. I wish I could be more like her. Sometimes I can be an incredibly brat. And sometimes the only thing I live for is attention. But I guess I'm just human?

I've always had this weird fascination with quiet people. I either assume that they are really smart or really ... I don't know, interesting? I think this has spawned from the idea that they are smart enough to not draw attention to themselves. Like, they don't need to prove anything to anyone, and they might know everything in the class, but they aren't going to show off because they are so self secure. I know that I wish I had more self control, so I guess that ties in too. I wish I could be quiet all the time and just be secure in myself by myself. But yeah. I met this girl, Livia, this year. And from the moment I saw her, I knew that she was intelligent, no joke. Once again, I probably assumed because she was quiet. But now at the end of the year, I can honestly say that she is one of the most genuinely interesting and smart people I met this year. She has this unique way of seeing things, and she's younger than me which is weird, because I used to always be the youngest in the class.

Anyway. I think I'm done. I've been writing for like, an hour. How weird. But yeah, I'm just going to go to bed. I really don't know what I'm going to do about Chem, but I'll figure something out after I get seven hours of sleep. Goodnight.

Esther

Teenager

I heard my doorbell ring. The bright sun had dimmed a bit and the horizon was not quite as blinding. The day had been far too hot, and my mood hadn't been very bright. I've heard my doorbell dozens of times, but none of those times had it sounded quite so formally dismal. I knew from the moment I heard the persistent buzz that I wouldn't like what was on the other side of the door.

I peaked through the eyehole to quickly make sure it wasn't a serial killer and recognized Michelle. It wasn't very hard, considering how easily she stood out in a crowd. Her lovely ebony skin was covered with an arty white shirt. Everything she wore was personally made or altered. I took in the spattered paint design, tight black jeans, and 'snakebite' pierced lips with ease. I loved the way she presented herself; it was very independent without being a typical hipster. Her mature brown eyes stared back at me, waiting. But there was something wrong.

I opened the door and she smiled easily, but not quite. A tiny twitch in her dimple clued me in. She had a reason for being here, and it wasn't one I would like.

"Hey Simon." Her voice was as smooth as chocolate but her eyes were dark. I played it cool. We had been dating for three months, so I knew not to get too spastic with worry. It would just make her even more nervous. At twenty-one, I suppose I had enough girl experience to realize when a chick was going to break up with you, and her expression of restlessness pretty much fit the circumstances. She anxiously twisted her raven hair, which was heavily striped with dark green. I couldn't count how many times I had run my hands through her hair.

"So, what's up?" I decided to stay generic. She responded with the typical request to talk. Which, of course, really meant that she wanted to dump me and get the heck out of here. Although I had been rejected countless times before, I still felt hollow when her words confirmed my suspicions. I silently lead her to one of the few pieces of furniture in my sparse apartment. We sat on opposite sides of the couch, facing each other, and I studied her as she studied the fabric under her crossed legs. As if she didn't know my apartment inside and out.

"Why?" My voice sounded a bit huskier than I would have liked.

She looked up, startled, and realized that I already knew why she was here. She bit her lip. I had never seen her like this, so timid. When I heard the name Michelle, I thought of a fearsome, opinionated, intelligent and self-assured female who could become a lady in a second. She was unpredictable and eclectic and upbeat. Confidence usually radiated off of her and people were drawn to her like flies are to light. Now, however, she looked like she was scared of me and even though she was here to leave me, it worried me. This was a side I never knew she had.

She took a deep, silent breath and her shoulders heaved and dropped. She looked straight at me with her strangely morbid eyes and said quietly, "I’m too young."

My confusion must have shown as I rambled, "What are talking about? One year isn't that big of a..." I stopped and realization hit me as hard as an uppercut from Muhammad Ali himself. It was my turn to steady myself and take a deep breath. "You aren't twenty." I stated it as evenly as I could, even though my insides were freaking out. The look she gave me confirmed my outrageous statement. But how old could she really be? Nineteen? Eighteen? I studied her and she looked meekly back. No, she couldn't be any younger...

I dared to ask, but my question came out in shocked parts. "How...old...are you?"

She bit her lip again. "Sixteen."

I could hear the air rush out of my mouth, but I couldn't feel it. It was like I was watching myself in a movie; I knew what was happening but I couldn't feel any of it. The noise of my racing and nervous heart filled my ears, but I couldn't feel my blood rushing. The only thing I heard for a moment was the steady beat and even that started dimming, as if I was underwater. I realized I was staring into space and I turned my head slowly back to Michelle. Her eyes were closed as she waited for my rage to kick in. I could feel her apprehension, and I snapped out of my fuzzy shock.

Sixteen. Sixteen. Sixteen. Maybe if I thought about the word enough, it would start to feel ok. I thought it over and over, like a sort of twisted mantra. But it wasn't getting any better. I tried to make my voice calm as I said, "I can't believe you never told me you were a teenager. I hope you know what this makes me. It makes me a -"

"No!" She practically jumped out of her skin as she lunged towards me and covered my shocked mouth. She was sprawled out over the couch and her face was a few inches from mine; it was a huge difference from just three seconds ago, when there was a whole two feet between us. She suddenly grinned, probably at my wide eyes, and said, "Everything we ever did had my complete consent." Her grin became wider and her eyes flashed playfully. "In fact, I probably wanted it more than you."

Like I said, Michelle was completely unpredictable. It took me a few second to adjust from solemn to slightly freaked out, but I was still guiltily grateful that she wasn't acting so serious. She was never meant to be nervous, so seeing her like that didn't feel right. I could never imagine her being depressed or going gravely to a funeral. But her sudden change in mood didn't change the issue at hand.

"Tell that to the judge." I said grimly.

Her eyes narrowed. "There won't be a judge. It's not like I'm pressing charges or anything."

"So why did you tell me?"

She thought for a while, tilting her head slightly to the left and staring right through me. The scent of her peach shampoo greeted me like a friend. "I think...I realized that I respected you too much to keep on lying to you. I knew that you would break up with me, so I figured I might as well do that too." Her voice had a thoughtful assurance and she blinked. Her smile was bittersweet. All I could do was gaze back at her. She was so beautiful. So graceful. So free. So lovely. So clever. So...young.

She leaned into me and put her ear to my chest. We lay there, silently breathing for countless moments. I closed my eyes, wanting to sleep after a hectic day, but not wanting to lose a second of the ever decreasing time I had with Michelle. We both knew this was the last time we would be together, alone and in my apartment, under the veil of a romantic relationship, for a while. We both knew that we both knew. We just preferred not to talk about it.

"Do you remember when we met?" I asked to keep myself awake. She moved and I opened my eyes. She looked up at me and gave me a sideways grin that told me to stop being such a sap. I grinned back.

"Of course. The guitar store." She paused and said good-humoredly, "How could I not remember the attractive, shaggy haired guy with the vintage Nirvana shirt?" She was, obviously, talking to me about myself. I feigned disgust and asked, "Is that really the only reason you like me?" Her face held with genuine worry at my inquiry until I started laughing. Her eyes narrowed and she told me my joke wasn't funny. Clearly, she said with rolling eyes, she liked me because I could get her a discount on an electric guitar. I acted offended.

We settled down and her head found my chest again. A few more moment passed before she said, "I really started liking you after our third guitar lesson." I took this in quietly. I had started liking her from the moment she walked in to the slightly shabby guitar store. After talking for a while, she had admitted that she didn't know how to play, but wanted to buy a guitar so she could learn. Offering her lessons came naturally and I was happily surprised when she accepted.

I zoomed back to the present when Michelle moved abruptly and lifted her head so we were eye to eye, staring at me with purpose. Infinite moments and then watching me profoundly she said, "Simon, I love you." And I knew there was nothing more true.

In her eyes was a question, a question so weighty that I knew she wanted me to tell the truth. Did I love her back?

Well, the question's answer was clear. While I couldn't tell when my liking had turned into genuine love, it certainly had. But the burden of why she was actually here still bothered me. Did I love a sixteen year old? That was the wrong question. Did I love the girl who was on my couch, the girl who I could never get tired of, the girl who had surprised me when I felt cynical and the girl who could put philosophical thoughts eloquently into words? Call me a hopeless romantic, but yes I did. She mirrored my silent enthusiasm. Apparently my joy had spread itself across my face and it had said enough.

The sunset had finished and the early night closed in on us. We tried to put it off, but we knew she would have to leave eventually. In the dark shadows, we got up and walked noiselessly to the door. I switched the light on and blinked to get rid of the spots in my eyes. She smiled halfheartedly and looked up at me. I kissed her soft forehead and opened the door. She stepped outside and turned to me. Her eyes shined and she whispered hoarsely, "See you in a few years." We grinned at each other for a moment and she left. I watched her leave. I knew her words were a promise.